Family and Friends

• Believe her.  She has been told many times no one will believe her.
• Don’t judge her (you are not in her situation).
• Avoid telling her that she needs to leave (she already knows that she needs to leave but she does not feel she can); instead, discuss a safety plan.
• Don’t talk bad about the abuser (that might drive her away or make her feel she has to defend him.)
• Assure her you will keep what she tells you confidential.  (This will help you gain her trust so she will be more likely to call you if she finds herself in a serious situation, e.g., trying to escape.)
• Ask her what the situation is like for her.  (Her abuser may: emotionally, sexually, financially, or physically abuse her; make rules that are forever changing; punish her for breaking his rules; criticize her; humiliate her; prevent her from seeing or calling family or friends; accuse her of lying or being unfaithful; force her to do things she does not want; monitor what she does and what she spends money on; destroys the things she cares about; blame her for his misdeeds; insult her, call her names; tell her friends, family or neighbors nasty things about her; threaten to hurt or kill her, the children or those she loves (including pets), or to kill himself; threaten to put her in a mental hospital; falsely accuse of drinking or using drugs, or force her to do illegal things.)

If It Is Safe For You

You could offer to let her store some emergency things in your home (only if no one in your household will tell her abuser).  These items can include things she may need in case she would need to leave quickly; an extra set of keys, extra clothing, important financial documents, birth certificate(s), important phone numbers, medical information, etc.

Let Her Know

• Crossroads Crisis Center is a domestic violence agency with a 24/7 anonymous crisis line.
• This is not her fault; no one deserves to be abused.
• You are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children.
• Even if the abuser apologizes, it does not mean he will stop abusing her.
• Alcohol does not cause abuse; many alcoholics never abuse, and most abusive alcoholics stop drinking and continue to abuse.
• More times than not the abuse will escalate.
• She is not alone, you will be there to help her, or to help her find others who can help her (be realistic.)  Pick a code word that she can use with you if she needs you to call the police for her.
• That abusers usually snoop on their victims to learn what they are doing and who is supporting them.  With today’s electronic security he may even have bugged her phone, computer, or put GPS on her car so that he will know everywhere she goes.
• That her abuser will most likely try to isolate her from anyone who is supportive of her (including her children and you.)
• The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.  It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse.  The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other.

Domestic violence is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community regardless of age, economic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality.  It is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior that is only a fraction of a systematic pattern of dominance and control.  Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and in severe cases, even death.  The devastating physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.

1. Myth: Domestic Violence Only Happens to Women.

Fact: 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.

2. Myth: Domestic Violence is ALWAYS physical abuse.

Fact: While physical abuse can be one way of maintaining power and control, it does not occur in every abusive relationship and is usually not the only form of abuse if it is occurring.  Emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, threats, and intimidation are all forms of domestic violence.

3. Myth: If a victim doesn’t leave, it must not be that bad or they are okay with how they are being treated.

Fact: Leaving an abusive relationship is EXTREMELY difficult.  On average, a victim will try to leave an abusive relationship at least 8 times before leaving successfully.  Some of the things abusers do to make leaving hard can include: creating financial dependence, using children as a coercion tool, making threats of violence or retaliation, or using the court system to keep control of the victim even after they leave.

4. Myth: Abuse is an anger issue.

Fact: An abuser does not abuse their victim because they are angry, they do it because they are seeking control.  If abuser’s were really targeting people due to their anger, then they would hurt the victim (physically or emotionally) every time they got upset.  Abuse is about control and how best to implement someone’s power and will over another person.

5. Myth: Abuse can only be found in low-income, un-educated individuals.

Fact: Abuse can be found in families of all education levels and socioeconomic backgrounds.  Abuse is all about control and domination, so it doesn’t matter what kind of background you have, it is still possible to be in an abusive relationship.

6. Myth: Abuse victims knew what they were getting into when they began the relationship.

Fact: Many abusive relationships do not start out blatantly abusive.  Abuser’s will try and groom their victims and will show a different side of themselves.  Often when an abuser starts showing red flags, the victim doesn’t notice them as abusive behavior and sometimes we, as a society, romanticize these behaviors, e.g., an abuser always hanging around the victim and not letting them spend time alone.  This is an isolation and control technique, but many people would see this as the two being so in love they don’t want to spend time apart.

7. Myth: Victims do not care about their children if they stay in the relationship.

Fact: A victim often views themselves as keeping the children safe when they stay in the relationship.  An abuser will often threaten to hurt the children or take the children away from the victim if they leave.  Many times the victim will have no financial stability (act of control by the abuser) and will have no means of taking care of the children if they leave.  The abuser knows this and often will play on the fears of the victim.  Another factor could be that the abuser portrays themselves as a “good parent” and the victim doesn’t want the kids to lose a parent or feel like they have to choose.

Gaslighting is the attempt to alter someone’s sense of reality.  This is a power and control manipulation tactic commonly found in an abusive relationships.  Gaslighting often accompanies other forms of abuse, like physical and verbal abuse.  The name “gaslighting” comes from the 1944’s movie of the same name where the husband attempts to convince his wife that she is crazy by dimming the lights (powered by gas) and denying that the lights are dimming.  Gaslighting is often used in abusive relationships to try and convince the survivor that they are losing their mind and that they are the actual problem in the relationship.  Commonly asked questions while using gaslighting are: “That didn’t happen?” “You imagined it?” and “Are you crazy?”

Tactics used in gaslighting:

• Withholding: The abuser will ignore, refuse to listen, or shut down the survivor when the attempt to confront them about the abusive behavior.
• Countering: The abuser will tell you that you aren’t remembering things properly, “that didn’t happen like that”.
• Diversion: The abuser will change the topic when you attempt to confront them about their abusive behavior.
• Trivializing: The abuser will tell you that you are “overreacting” or are “too sensitive”.  They will attempt to convince you that you are blowing the whole situation out of proportion.
• Forgetting: The abuser will “forget” the sequence of events that led to you being upset.  They will often say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” in order to try and convince you that you are not remembering the events correctly.

Why is gaslighting so dangerous?

• It distorts the survivor’s reality and frame of mind.
• Forces the survivor to constantly doubt themselves.
• Disables the survivor’s ability to call out the abuse and mistreatment due to them thinking that the problem is themselves.
• Causes the survivor to question their instincts.
• Will often lead to the survivor feeling isolated and depressed.

Gaslighting is one of the most dangerous and insidious forms of manipulation that is found in domestic violence.  The reason for this is due to it’s side effects of causing the survivor to doubt themselves, and to depend on the abuser’s frame of mind for everything.  Gaslighting is not often discussed and because of this, many survivors do not know what is happening to them.

How to survive gaslighting?

• Keep a journal: document things that occur that you believe may be twisted or lied about later on.
• Get a second opinion: try and stay connected with family and friends.  Get a reality check from them when you are in need of it.
• Seek objective support: talk to a counselor or therapist in order for you to start rebuilding your intuition and self-trust.
• Meditate: keep yourself grounded through meditation and breathing exercises; this will help you know what is real and what is gaslighting.